Top Secret Akatsuki Secrets REVEALED!
by EternityInYourArms
Summary: Ever wonder what happens behind Akatsuki closed doors? Wonder no more! These TOP SECRET files uncovered by various unnamed agents show what really happens in the lair of the most notorious missing-nins. Rated Mature cuz of Hidan's mouth.
1. Case Number 1: The Showers

I guess this is a Disclaimer. Neither I, nor my twin sis who originally "discovered" these files own Naruto or the Akatsuki. Tho we really wish we did. (Mmm, Hidan)

Anyway, as stated in the disclaimer, this was originally written and mostly thought up by my 4-minute-younger twin sister of mine, Carly, and it was originally posted on Quizilla under her username StunningEyesBlind.

* * *

_**=5:58am=**_

Itachi gingerly tip-toes through the halls of Akatsuki HQ, his bare feet making no sound as he sneaks through, intent on being undiscovered, something that's hard in an organization compiled of murderers, fiends, puppets, money-grubbers, fish-people, immature imbeciles, self-sacrificing foul-mouths, transvestites, and one girl. Sometimes Itachi wonders why he ever joined, but then he remembers. Great pay, killer insurence, good hours, and never ending amusement. Name another evil organization bent on world domination that can top that! You can't!

Itachi peeks around a corner, his back pressed against the wall, the towel and shower supplies (aka, shampoo, conditioner, toothbrush) in a black bag with an uchiwa fan on it. Seeing it clear, Itachi rushes down the hall and to the next wall corner, the last before the bathroom. His whole mission this morning before the crack of dawn is to be the first into the shower. Everyone in Akatsuki desires this dream, for the first one gets neverending hot water. The poor, pathetic person who is last gets only water with shards of ice. Thankfully, Itachi has never been that unlucky bastard before. He's smart about it, he gets up earlier than anyone else. Sure he's only been first to the shower a few times, but those times he's used as much hot water as possible, especially if Deidara or Konan were next. Those two take longer than anyone else!

Taking a deep breath, Itachi peeks out and lets out a foul curse that Hidan would blush at as he sees the bathroom door already closed and the shower going. Grumbling, no longer slinking about, he sulks as he drags a chair over. If he can't be first, he'll settle for second. Itachi crosses his legs, sitting back in his seat, listening to the shower. How long have they been in there, whoever it is? He hears a faint sound and looks at the door curiously before leaning forward some, his ear perked. Is that... singing? Someone's singing in the shower. And whoever they are, their good! It's apparently one of the guys, since Konan doesn't sound that good singing. Itachi knows, he'd been unfortunate enough to get a shower after the bitch. She sang like a dying seagull with lung cancer. If the girl doesn't secretly smoke, Itachi would be surprised.

"Damn, third again, un." Itachi turns as Deidara comes walking down the hall from his room, towel thrown over naked shoulder, his hair in shambles. Yawning, Deidara pauses a few paces from Itachi and jabs a thumb at the bathroom door. "Who?"

Itachi shrugs, sitting back. "I dunno, they were in there when I got here."

"When?"

"About 5 minutes ago."

"Ok, un." Deidara pulls a chair over and sits beside his worst enemy. "So... wanna make a guess at who it could be?"

"Whoever it is has been in there for sometime."

"Yeah, and there's a good nine other people-"

"Six," Itachi corrects.

"Oh, yeah, un. Kakuzu doesn't bathe unless we force him and Sasori wont because he claims he will "warp". He just uses Pledge, making him lemony fresh, un." Deidara shoves a hand through his tangled hair, a small bag of shower supplies in his other hand.

Itachi hears the singing again and leans in once more. "Do you hear that?"

"What?" Deidara leans in to listen, too, and blinks. "Is that... singing, un?"

"Yeah, and their good, whoever it is."

"Sonofabitch!" Hidan yawns as he comes down the stairs across the hall Itachi and Deidara had come. He stops as he spots Itachi and Deidara, but curses when he sees the bathroom door shut and hears the shower going. "Sonofafarginbitch! Who the hells in there? And, damn it, when are they getting out?"

Itachi looks at the clock on the wall and sighs. "They were in there when I got here, and that was about 15 minutes ago."

"Yeah, un," Deidara sweeps back his long blond hair and notices that Hidan is covered in blood... again! "You, uh, have a good prayertime?"

Hidan smiles devilishly, lifting a blood soaked hand. "The best!"

"That's nice, un." Deidara quickly looks away and at the bathroom door. "Their times almost up, un, and if they don't get their sneaky ass out-"

"Then we get to drag them out! Naked or not!" Itachi nods, crossing his arms over his towel and things. "Just wish they'd hurry it up already. There are some of us who need showers." They hear footsteps and turn as Konan comes staggering in, make-up and wrinkle cream smeared everywhere after she'd fallen asleep wearing it. "Eeh!" Itachi flinches back. "Like her!"

"Amen!" Hidan agrees, moving as far from the only female as possible. "She looks..."

"Like an ex-stripper zombie-bitch, un!" Deidara supplies as Konan drags a chair over and drops into it. "You ok, un?"

She lifts her head, her blue hair a mess, and promptly flips him the birdy. "Fuck you, tranny!"

"Sorry, un, but Leader says you've got STDs."

"Oooh, burn!" Hidan snickers, giving Deidara a thumbs-up.

"Need ice for that?" Itachi smirks, loving the cold hatred radiating from the blue-haired bitch. And it's directed at Deidara this time! Life is good!

"You assholes!" Konan hisses, trying for a regal hair-flip but failing since she's, in a nutshell, butt-ugly right now. "Who's in there? And for how long?"

"Coming up on 23 minutes now." Itachi sighs, looking over as his partner, Kisame, walks into the room. "You slept in?"

"Yeah, an extra hour." Kisame grins, heading for the kitchen. "Whose in the shower?"

"Dunno, but they were up before us and keep singing."

"Huh, can't think of anyone here that sings." Kisame goes into the kitchen to read off the chores list. "Whose on cleaning duty today?" After a moment he curses. "Damn, I am."

Itachi leans his chair back on two legs and watches Kisame dawn an apron and start cleaning. "You know who'd be up this early?"

"Not a clue," Kisame says without looking the Uchiha's way. "Kakuzu was counting his money earlier, probably still is."

"Yeah," Itachi nods, confirming this. "I heard him when I was coming to get my shower." After a moments pause, he states, "You know, we need to drag him out and get him washed? He's starting to stink."

"Like a corpse," Kisame agrees. "Suggest it to Leader when he gets up-"

"Suggest what to Leader and it had better wait until after I get my coffee." Pein grumbles, coming down the same stairs Hidan had and heading for the kitchen. "What's with the congregation? Hidan holding mass?"

"No, damn it, but I'd be more than happy to!" Hidan grins, looking excitedly at the other Akatsuki members.

"No!" They all say in unison.

"Fine, fuck you, see if I fuckin' care if all your souls go to the hell for child molesters and people who talk in theaters." Hidan crosses his arms and turns away to glower.

Deidara rolls his eyes a moment before the singing starts again from in the shower. "Hey, listen! You hear it, un?"

Itachi nods as Konan says, "Yeah... he sounds sexy."

"If he'd spend more time getting the hell outta there instead of singing, we'd be all in and out and done with our own showers." Hidan scowls.

"Whose singing what and should I be selling tickets?" Kakuzu asks, coming in.

"Listen, un!" Deidara motions to the bathroom door where everyone is circling. "You hear it, un?"

Kakuzu listens and, sure enough, hears singing. "Ooh, I should get a recorder. We could sell this!"

"Either way, if he doesn't get out soon," Itachi glances at the clock, "we'll be dragging his musical ass out here whether Konan watches or not."

"Oh, don't mind me, honest." Konan bats her eyes, the sight dreadfully terrifying since her make-up looks like something you'd see in Las Vegas and on a retired porn star-turned call-girl.

"Ick!" Pein grimaces, looking at Konan. "Damn, you look like shit. What the hell happened to your face? It looks like the Wicked Witch's did after Dorothy tossed water on her. All melted and saggy."

"Oh, thanks, you bastard!" Konan cries, dropping her face into her towel to cry. Only Leader could get that kind of responce from the Ice Bitch.

Itachi stands as he takes one last glance at the clock just as Sasori and Zetsu walk in, talking about something with the mating process of a orchid. At the sound of Konan's tears, however, they look at her curiosly as Itachi asks, "You two wanna help us drag someones ass outta the shower? His time is up!"

"Yippie, un!" Deidara jumps up, ready to free-up the shower.

"Sure," Sasori smiles with his perpetual melancholy expression.

"Ok," Zetsu agrees and his darker side puts in, "Hell freakin' yeah!"

They all get ready and, as they hear the shower shut off, Deidara starts looking around to see who all is there. As he counts and makes not, the only one he can't find is-

"Tobi!?" Everyone gasps as the doors opened and steam pours out.

His naked body only covered by a towel around his waist, his mask hooked on the towels knot, a smaller towel over his hung head as he dries his hair, his face completely hidden by the towel, the most unlikely -unofficial- member of Akatsuki stands there in all his muscular sexy hottness! And, for the first time, all of Akatsuki sees just how un-childlike Tobi is. His lean, muscled waist, his toned arms, his rock-hard abs, his muscular chest that screams SEXY, and roped broad shoulders. Mmm, makes any girl faint, and Konan does, making Pein have to revive her with a slap to the face.

At the sudden exclamation of his name, Tobi lifts his head quickly with a gasp. "Ah! Tobi is sorry, didn't mean to take so long. Sorry, sorry." He bows and runs off, one hand on his mask and the other on the towel over his head.

"Hey, Tobi-" Deidara tries to stop the fleeing member, but Tobi's already down the hall and in his room, slamming the door behind him. "Damn, un, didn't see that one coming."

Itachi heads into the bathroom and everyone watches for a moment as he searches around. After a little, Pein finally asks, "What are you doing?"

"Looking for a stereo, that couldn't have been him singing. It sounded too... too..."

"Bow chika wow wow," Konan wags her brows, leaning against Pein for support. "I think I might stay and babysit Tobi every once in a while."

**_=In Tobi's Room=_**

"Damn it, damn it, damn it!" Tobi beats a fist on his dresser. "I left my luffa in the bathroom! Itachi's gonna steal it! Damn it, damn it, damn it!"


	2. Case Number 2: Tobi Sick?

Um, I guess I have to cover the Disclaimer, huh? Well, I don't own Naruto or the Akatsuki, though I really wish I did. Having a sexy Hidan willing to follow my every command sounds very appealing.

As for this case file, it was the original brain-fart of my twin sis, tho I did throw a few ideas twinpathically(c) at her. So, if you have any problems with the language or any other shit, don't come crying to me, go find her. Good luck and may the force be with you.

* * *

Deidara walks along, whistling a merry tune from all three mouths but stops when he hears sneezing coming from inside Tobi's room. Curious, and a little sneaky, he inches over, hoping he'll get a peek at the childlike Akatsuki members face. As he knocks once, Deidara slowly opens the door and looks at the bed. There, lying under layers of blankets, is a sniffling lump in the middle of the bed. Deidara almost feels dejected but stills when he sees the orange mask on the nightstand by the bed. Excitement courses through him as he inches closer, knowing that the only thing between him and the mysterious idiot are a few layers of blankets.

"Tobi?" Deidara reaches out for the blankets, giddy. "Are you ok, un?"

Tobi rolls, bringing the blankets around him tightly like a burrito, sneezing and sniffling coming from the mass. "Deidara? Tobi doesn't feel so good. Can we play some other time?"

Deidara's surprised. Tobi's never been sick before. Feeling bad now for the usually hyperactive annoyance, Deidara pats a hand on -what he hopes is- Tobi's back. "It's ok, un, I'll get you some soup. You just rest, un."

A pale slender hand reaches out and gently grabs the edge of Deidara's shirt, the black nailpolish stark against the nearly transparent skin. "Deidara... Tobi's happy you're here."

Deidara's amazed at how pale the hand is that's holding him. It's definitely not a girls hand, but it's actually a very nice hand. He's never seen Tobi's hands without gloves before. Reaching down, Deidara takes the hand.

"Hey, gotta look out for the under dog, right, un?"

"Hehe..." he pulls his hand back in and shivers.

Deidara takes a last look at the bundle then walks out, easing the door shut, then heads to the kitchen to find Sasori, with an apron on, a cookbook in hand, stirring a pot as he stands in front of the stove, reading the recipe.

Deidara scoots past the puppet master, intent on the pantry, when Sasori suddenly asks, "And what are we doing now?" He doesn't even glance up from his reading, his stirring even and unhurried. "Dinners almost ready. You can wait."

"But it's not for me, un."

Sasori's eyes shift from the page and to Deidara. "Then who?"

Deidara jabs his thumb in the direction of the hall. "Tobi. He's sick, I was gonna bring him some soup or something. Do we have soup?"

Setting the stove to a lower setting, Sasori steps away from the meal and goes to the pantry to search. "Here," he produces a can of Alphabet soup. "He'll get a kick out of it" As Sasori hands the can over, he can't help but ask, "Why are you caring for the little pest? I thought you'd be singing and dancing with him out of your hair for a few days?"

Deidara thinks about it a moment, unable to really pinpoint why he is helping the immature idiot. "I don't know, un. I guess it's because it's not really the same without his annoying voice echoing through the halls. I've gotten used to it, un."

Sasori lifts a brow to Deidara before going back to his cooking, having been using a chakra string to continue stirring the meal. "Make that for him then get out of here. And," he turns a sharp look to Deidara, "if you see the little retards face, get a picture!"

Deidara grins at his partner, giving him a thumb-up. "Got it, un!" Deidara prepares the soup and takes it back to Tobi's room, knocking once before opening the door and peeking in. "Tobi, you awake?" He notes that the bed is empty and steps in as he hears the toilet flush. "Hey, I brought you some soup, un."

"Soup?" Tobi opens the door, his head down and his shaggy hair shielding his face no matter how hard Deidara tries to see it. "You good friend to Tobi... I wanna die..." he falls to his knees then forward to face-plant on the bed. "Urgh..."

Deidara feels bad for the guy, even though, with Tobi wearing only a pair of cotton pants, Deidara can see just how much muscle this immature man has. It's shocking! "Well, un, you should roll over and eat this. Sasori-danna picked the soup out special for you. He said you'd like it."

"What is it?" Tobi sniffles, reaching under his bed to produce a mask which he places over his face the moment he rolls over and sits on the floor. "Tobi feels like shit..."

Deidara's shocked at the use of language from this overgrown kid. "You sure do if you're cursing, Tobi. Damn, un."

"Plenty of things about Tobi is gonna shock you while Tobi's- oh, fuck it, I feel like hell!" He groans, dropping his head forward just as he makes an "urk" sound, then, a moment later, he whines. "Eww! Tobi urffed in his mask!" He pulls himself up and heads for the bathroom, his back to Deidara as he removes the mask.

Deidara shifts to see the other mans face but he closes the door before he can. "Damn, so close..."Deidara then gets an idea. He sets down the soup tray and starts searching for all of Tobi's masks, finding around three identical swirling masks in different places. Maybe, if he hides them all before Tobi comes out, he'll be without one he's not gonna want to put on that one after puking in it. "Success!"

"What is?" Tobi grumbles, coming out, scrubbing his face with a washrag.

"Uh... your soup, un! I was making sure your soup didn't get cold!" Deidara hopes Tobi believes him as he quickly tosses his spare masks out into the hall.

"Thanks, Deidara..." Tobi goes to one of the places he'd hidden his mask then stops. "Where's you put it? I am not in the mood to play games, Deidara? You'll find out just how bad Tobi can be if you don't give me my freakin' mask!" He turns to glower at Deidara, only one eye peeking out from the washrag, actually making Deidara cower. This is a side of Tobi he's never seen before. "Tell me or I'll butt-rape you with a broom handle when I get better!"

Deidara's eyes widen and he instantly gets the masks from the hall, tossing them onto the bed. "Sorry, sorry, Tobi."

"Tobi's sorry for getting mad at Deidara, just don't take Tobi's things." Tobi goes over and flips through mask after mask until he finally chooses one and puts it on. "Tobi has to burn the other mask because Tobi urffed in it. The smell will never go away, and Tobi's not about to wear it while it stinks."

Deidara nods, understanding that. "Hey, you'd better eat your soup before it gets cold, un. Sasori-danna said it would help you feel better." Deidara brings the bowl over and sets it down as Tobi sits on the floor and picks it up. "Eat every bite, otherwise you might not get better any faster, un."

"Ok, Tobi'll eat it up." He turns the mask, using it to block Deidara's view of his face while he eats, and gets a laugh at the soup. "Letters! Tobi likes letters. Look, Deidara, Tobi spelt him name!"

Deidara looks and, sure enough, there's the letters T-O-B-I in the spoon. "That's cool, un. I should get myself some of that just for kicks."

"Tobi would share but, you know, you might get sick, too, and Tobi doesn't want to pass this to Deidara."

Deidara takes care of Tobi tirelessly, worrying about the annoyance constantly, but still trying to get peeks of his face whenever possible, starting to get used to his more mature outbursts as they happen only when he gets a high fever. So Deidara makes a good point of keeping his fever down. That other side of Tobi scares the shit out of Deidara! Two days after finding the Akatsuki member in bed, Deidara brings him his soup, at the same time as always, and finds Tobi standing by the window, fully dressed.

"Tobi wants to go outside for a little bit. It might do Tobi some good." And, just like that, Tobi's better. The next day he's running around, skipping and jumping after butterflies while Sasori uses chakra strings to feed Deidara soup since, whatever Tobi had, Deidara now has.

"I hate the little ass, un," Deidara eats another mouthful of soup, glaring over at Sasori. "Can't you at least hold the spoon, Sasori-danna?"

Sasori glances up from the new puppet he's making and gives Deidara a smirk. "Why? I need my attention on this project."

"Why? What is it?"

Sasori gets a sadistic grin and places the blond wig on the doll he's making and turns it to show Deidara. "Look, Hannah Montana! And she wants to sing to you, Deidara!"

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

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Stay tuned for more case files! ^-^ If anyone has any "case files" that they would like to share, feel free to message me.


	3. Case Number 3: Breakfast Fiasco

Alright, time for the Disclaimer. Uh, neither my evil-twin-sister nor I own Naruto or the Akatsuki, cuz if we did than I'm sure she would be "getting wood" from Sasori while I, being the innocent maiden I am, would be _experiencing_ religion with Hidan! (Oh, sweet Jashin!)

This file, and all others, was originally discovered by my twin sister, Carly, with some small help from myself (I lent her aid thru our twinapathic link). I merely edited it and posted it here since she doesn't have a fanfiction user.

* * *

Tobi sits at the Akatsuki breakfast table, eating a bowl of his favorite cereal, Admiral Crunch. As he sits there, chowing down, of all the people to come and interrupt him, Kakuzu walks into the room and sees him eating.  
"What are you eating, Tobi, and why are there three empty bowls beside you?"  
Tobi looks up from his breakfast, his mask sliding back to hide his face, and says cheerfully, "I'm after the prize at the bottom!" He flips the box around to show the image there.

Tobi shakes the box happily, saying, "Tobi can't wait for the bottom!"  
Kakuzu stares at the box skeptically now, curious, and reaches out for it. "Hmm... a free prize? Well..... Tobi, can I have some?"  
Tobi snatches the box away, tucking it under his arm. "No! It's Tobi's! You just want the prize at the bottom!"  
"Damn straight, I do! I wanna know it's street value! Give it over!" Kakuzu makes a jump for the special "unofficial" Akatsuki member, missing by a mile. As he skids across the kitchen floor, rolling over to glare menacingly at the spiraled mask, he shouts, "Hidan! There's a Jashin-related prize in Tobi's cereal!"  
In moments, the Jashinist is there, tackling Tobi and trying to rip the box from his hands. "Give it over! I want the prize for Jashin!"  
"No! It's mine!" Tobi jerks and throws Hidan across the room, sending him crashing into Itachi as the Uchiha walks into the kitchen to get him some coffee.  
Itachi shoves Hidan away, looking at his mug of coffee he'd just gotten, now shattered on the floor. "That... was... my... last... MUG!!! You damn idiot!" And so, a fight ensues, Itachi wiping the floor with Hidan.  
At the sounds of his partner yells, Kisame soon enters the kitchen to see Itachi on Hidan's back, dragging a knife slowly across the Jashinists throat, his legs kicking as his arms flail helplessly. "Itachi? What's goin' on?" He yawns and hastily catches the severed head thrown to him. "Ick!" He drops the bloody mass and kicks it through the kitchen window, and the sounds of Hidan's bitching travel out to the garden as he complains of glass now in his eyelids and nose. "That was nasty. Not before breakfast, Itachi. Itachi?" Kisame looks to the Uchiha and sees him looming over Tobi, who is back to eating his cereal, huddled in a corner. "Oh, not this again... Itachi, he's just an idiot-"  
"You threw that rug-stain at me! I can only take your stupidity so long before you really piss me off!"  
Kakuzu sees an opportunity and takes it, saying, "You know, Itachi, he did it 'cause Hidan just wanted a bowl of cereal, that just so happens to have... the secret location to the Missing Uchiha written inside!"  
Both Itachi and Tobi say in a WTF way, "What?"  
"You're lying!" Itachi accuses.  
"You're an idiot," Tobi adds, sounding like he's talking to a real idiot about something common knowledge.  
Kakuzu glares at Tobi, but now Itachi is looking at the box rather skeptically, musing lightly under his breath, "The Missing Uchiha... could it be that easy?  
Kakuzu hears him and smirks behind his mask, saying with a nod, "Yes, Itachi. Get that box and bring it here, I'll show you."  
"No!" Tobi hisses with a snap, pulling away. "It's mi- gah! Damn you!" Tobi growls as Pein snatches the box away.  
"What the hell is going on in here? What is this, 1, 2, 3- 4 grown men and one boy in a mans body fighting over what? A box of cereal? For what? What is the meaning of it all?"  
"They're after me Lucky Charms!" Tobi whimpers, getting a big WTF look from Pein.  
"They're after what?!" His voice breaks at the end, his mind trying to get around what he'd said. Lucky... charms- whoa, they're after his what!? Tobi nods furiously, reaching childishly for the box, his fingers wiggling until Pein brings the box closer, and in his reach, then he snatches it, snarls at the others in the room, then rushes out.  
It takes everyone a moment of gawking before Hidan says from the window ((having just brought body and head back together)), "What the fuck was that? Tobi or his fuckin' evil twin brother? I thought they fought in the womb and Tobi got fucked up 'cause of it, not devoured his brother and his evil-ness!" -((Only twins may use these twin euphemisms, or whatever the hell they are.))- "Holy fuck, that was awesome!!"  
"That was unusual," Sasori nods from the other doorway, a piece of sandpaper in one hand and something else in the other.  
Pein nods, saying as he looks to Sasori, "Yes, that was- are you holding your dick?!"  
Sasori blinks then looks down at his hand, then gasps and looks back up with a sickened face. "Hell no, you sick bastard!" He lifts it up to show a small doll body in the making, the arms and legs still not attacked, leaving the badly shaped head and torso, which are in the process of being defined. "I think you spend too much time with Konan when she's going through her nymphomaniac phases."  
"Well, if I don't do it, who will?"  
"I will!" Deidara pops out from somewhere, just in time to be hit with a glass bottle ((thrown by Hidan)). The blond falls to the ground, his eyes swirling, blood slowly pooling beneath his head from the cut in his temple.  
Hidan blinks, and slowly starts to lower himself out of the windowsile before he gets in trouble. "Ooh, fuck!" he says low, crouching down and slinking off.  
"Sempai!" Tobi appears from nowhere, the cereal box beneath his arm, a bowl of Admiral Crunch in his hand. He lowers to his haunches and nudges Deidara with the tip of his foot. "Sempai, you ok?" he asks in a sing-song voice.  
Kakuzu takes instant notice of Tobi's sudden appearance, and grins behind his mask. 'He's such an idiot, worry over that fag instead of that treasure! It's mine!' Kakuzu lunges a split second too late as Tobi rises. Kakuzu misses the box by inches, cursing as he flies from the room to crash into something.  
Tobi looks up at the noise, going, "Oh dear!" before returning to his sempai. "Sempai, Tobi will take care of you, just lemme finish my cereol. Tobi wants the mystery prize at the bottom."  
"Mystery prize?" Sasori lifts a fine eyebrow to consider Tobi thoughtfully. "What prize?"  
"Dontcha know nothing?" Tobi lifts the box and smacks the back, right over the announcement of the prize. "It's gonna be awesome! Tobi's after it, been eating cereal all morning!"  
"Hmm... hnph, I don't eat cereal." Sasori shrugs and heads back to his room, jerking his hand ((holding the doll-in-the-making)) away from Pein as he passes, giving him a disgusted glare as he heads off.  
Pein gaps after him, saying, "How could I know, Sasori? You come apart! It could've been anything! Sasori!" He follows him, trying to convince him as he walks.  
Tobi watches until they disappear before grabbing Deidara's foot and looking to Kisame, who is sitting at the table with Itachi, both drinking coffee. "Kisame-sempai, can you help Tobi drag Deidara-sempai's body to his room."  
"Or Zetsu's room," Itachi chuckles, looking into his mug. "Zetsu could always use the extra protein."  
Tobi gasps, spinning to Itachi. "No! Not Sempai! He's too gritty and doesn't have enough meat, he's just chewy."  
Kisame and Itachi stare at Tobi with OMJ ((oh my Jashin, for you heathens)) faces. "Wha? Tobi?"  
"What? Tobi bit Deidara-sempai once 'cause he wasn't being nice, he was hurting Tobi. Tobi had wanted to be on top but he wouldn't let me! Said I didn't know what to do, that I wouldn't know how to handle him. Tobi's ass hurt alot after that, and Deidara-sempai wouldn't let Tobi have a turn at it, even though he promised to let Tobi be on top the next time!" Tobi sounds like he sniffles as he turns away. "Sempai is so mean to Tobi sometimes, but Tobi can't just let him be fed to Zetsu. Tobi wants to be ontop, make Deidara-sempai's ass hurt just as bad as Tobi's did that time!" Tobi turns back to say something else, then stops. "What?" He asks, looking at their aghast expressions. "What did Tobi say?"  
"What... the... hell!!? What did Deidara do to you, Tobi? We know he's closer to the hetrophobic side than Konan, but..." Itachi shakes his head, looking sick.  
"We thought better of Deidara than that... I mean, damn, I never thought he'd rape you, Tobi."  
"Rape... Tobi? Eh? No, Tobi's not that way, and -I don't think- Sempai is, either. He wouldn't let Tobi ride on top of his clay bird, instead making Tobi hang from the feet. Deidara-sempai promised that he'd switch with Tobi, but he never did!"

"Oooh!" They nod with sighs of relief.  
"Thought I would need to lock my door at night for a moment there," Itachi says with a sigh. "Of course he'd come for me, I'm too irrestistable, no matter who is on the prowl!"  
Kisame's brow rises slowly as he says, "Riiiight, well, Itachi, I think it's time to get you to your room. I don't think it's natural for you to want stalkers, of any sex, male or female."  
As they go off, leaving Deidara's limp form to Tobi, the lovable schizophrenic plant of Akatsuki enters, and promptly notices Deidara's limp figure. "Eh?" He blinks, taken aback. "What happened to Deidara?" "His boyfriend stop putting out and the news floored him?"  
"No, that's not it," Tobi sighs. "Hidan hit him with a bottle."  
Zetsu turns on his heel and starts for another room. "I'll go pay him a visit, he knows better than to pick on the less fortunate." "Or handicaped." Zetsu chuckles over his own pun as he disappears once more, leaving Tobi alone in the large Akatsuki kitchen.  
"Well," Tobi grabs Deidara's leg again and starts to drag him to his -Deidara's- room. "If you weren't so painfully needed for your exploding clay," Tobi muses low, his voice deep and threatening, "then I would kill you here and now, instead of doing what I am about to do."  
All the while Tobi grumbles, Kakuzu watches carefully, his eyes on the box still under Tobi's arm. "The moment of truth," Kakuzu readies himself, then jumps, snatching the box, just to have it snatched promptly back as a sharp pain goes up Kakuzu's legs as Tobi breaks his knee caps. "Gah! What the hell?!"  
Tobi lets out a low hiss and takes the box back. "Asshole! Leave Tobi's prize alone!"  
"Why?? You haven't done much to deserve it!"  
"I put up with you, Deidara, Hidan, Pein, and everyone else! I think I deserve it after putting up with all of your shit each day!" Tobi pulls back just as Kakuzu grabs the other end of the cereal box. "Leggo!"  
"I'd rather die!"  
"That can be arranged!"  
As they pull together, in opposite directions, what happens? The box rips, cereal flies, and between them lands a small packet of something. The two shinobi look at each other, both anticipating the others movements, and before Kakuzu can even react, Tobi has the prize in hand and is giggling like a school... err, boy?

And the prize in the box? Well, it is a.... nutcracker.

* * *

Stay tuned for more Top Secret case files from the Akatsuki arcives. If you want to see what the nutcracker looked like, go here (http:// nocturnal-devil. deviantart. com /art/ The-NutCracker- 41358641) just take out the spaces.


	4. Case Number 4: Tobi's Hair

Disclaimer: Ok, ya'll, I hate to say it, but I gotta. I don't own the Akatsuki or anything pertaining to them. Wish I did (I could have a lotta fun with Itachi *wink*)

Alright, like I've said for every other Akatsuki Case File, this is all the work of my twin and I. You'll find the original fic on my twin's site on Quizilla: StunningEyesBlind. I suggest ya go check out the original one there. It has pictures! ^^

Oh, and to Skimx, who placed a ACF request; it is in the making!^^ My twin is right now working on it, but she's really busy right now with stuff, so you'll have to bare with us.

* * *

Itachi watches Tobi where he sits and plays cards on the floor inside Akatsuki HQ, and all the young Uchiha can think of is, I wonder why Madara cut his hair? When I met him it was long, but now... He tilts his head, looking at Tobi's hair. It's short. I wonder... could it be because... of that day? And before he can stop himself, Itachi asks, "Hey, Tobi?"  
Tobi lifts his head to look at Itachi, and with a happy voice, says, "Yes, Itachi?"

Itachi considers him for a moment longer, and then asks, "Why did you cut your hair? I remember it being longer, and then suddenly... it wasn't."

"My hair?" Tobi reaches up to touch the short strands almost quizzically. "I dunno why Tobi did it."  
Itachi looks at him thoughtfully for a minute, then asks another question. "Is it because you caught it on fire that one time?"

Tobi's head snaps around, and Itachi can just feel the menace in the glare Tobi sends through the single hole in his mask. "I said never to speak of that again!" His voice is dark, deadly, and even though Itachi can feel the danger, he's bored, and decides to push things just a little more.

"You burned off a good portion, didn't you?" He gives Tobi a taunting smirk, knowing he's needling the other, much older, Uchiha, but he can't seem to help himself. He's bored, and teasing the other -disguised- Uchiha has always been fun.

"Shut your mouth!" Tobi/Madara shouts, leaping at Itachi, and before he knows what hit him, Madara has him thrown over the back of the couch, and is sitting on Itachi's stomach, punching him two or three good times before getting pulled off by Kisame and Pein.

"What's gotten into you, Tobi?" Kisame asks, shocked. He's never seen the acclaimed "retard" of Akatsuki ever lose it before, and he'd jumped Itachi so suddenly, no one had realized what had happened until they heard Tobi beating Itachi behind the couch.

Madara doesn't answer him, just jerks one arm free of their hold so he can stab a finger at Itachi as the younger Uchiha picks himself up from behind the couch, wiping away blood from his split lip. "You keep your mouth shut, Itachi. Do you hear me? I told you to never bring that up again!"

"Bring what up?" Pein asks, looking curiously from one Akatsuki member to the other.

"Don't you say it, Itachi!" Madara warns, seeing the gleam in the bleeding Uchiha's eyes.

"Say what?" Itachi asks, feining innocence. "That you caught your hair on fire and that must be why you cut it?"

"AAAAAHH!" With a great war cry, Tobi/Madara rips himself free of Kisame and Pein to leap at Itachi again. They crash to the floor in a tumble of arms and legs, fists swinging and legs kicking and hair pulling.

"Stop!" Pein shouts, and both Uchihas freeze. "Get up and explain what the hell you two are doing trying to kill each other?"

They get to their feet, neither letting go of the fistful they have of each others hair, even as they face Pein.

Itachi clears his throat before licking the blood from his lips. "Well, you see-"

"Don't even, Itachi!" Madara orders, trying to glare over at Itachi through his mask without turning his head. "It's nothing, Pein." he tells the Akatsuki leader. "Just something between Itachi and myself. It doesn't concern you."

Pein's brows fly up, and his gaze turns to consider Itachi. "Is that how it is, Itachi?"

Itachi uses his sleeve to wipe more blood from his nose, and giving it a glance to see how much is there, says casually, "Yeah, that's how it is."

"Ok, then." Pein scrutinizes them for a long moment, then demands, "For the love of- Let each others hair go! I can see Tobi's scalp bleeding!"

"Huh?" Tobi reaches up to feel his head, and pulling his gloved hand away, rubs his fingers together as he looks at the wet on his fingertips. "I'm... bleeding?"

"Yup," Itachi sniffs, slowly letting his fingers slip from Tobi's hair as Madara releases Itachi. "Guess you can bleed." He accepts the wet washcloth Kisame offers him, and wiping his face, says, "Just curious, Tobi, but... What does burnt hair smell like?"

Madara growls at Itachi, making Pein step back swiftly in apprehension. "Itachi." The name is spoken in a low voice holding much warning and promise of retaliation should Itachi continue, and, being Itachi, he does. An Uchiha never backs down from a challenge. It is not the Uchiha way... especially when they're bored.

"I was just asking," he says innocently, touching the rag tenderly to his bruising cheekbone. "Ouch. You really hit me."

"You should learn to keep your mouth shut when told." Madara starts to turn away, to leave the room, but Itachi's next words have him stopping midstride.

"How much of your hair did you really burn off?"

Pein sees Madara's fist shake, and he knows there's going to be more bloodshed, so he hurries to intervene. Stepping between the two Uchihas, he says with authority, "My office. Now!"

Itachi rubs his neck, but does as ordered. "Yes, sir." he says, walking into Pein's office, Tobi/Madara following right after him, Pein closing the door behind them.

Once the door is sealed and locked, Pein states, "I don't know what the hell is going on between you two today, but I want it to stop. You're breaking things, and, I hate to say it, but that's setting a bad example for Deidara. He's got enough destructive tendencies. I don't need him thinking he can get away with them here."

"Oh, yes," Itachi says, agreeing too readily, with a devilish smirk on his handsome face. "We don't want Deidara burning anything."

"Itachi!" Tobi growls, balling his fingers into a fist but restraining himself otherwise.

"It would be a shame if Deidara caught anything on fire... or anyone."

"You're pushing it, boy!" Madara hisses under his breath, and Itachi knows he's walking a fine line, but he's having too much fun to stop just yet.

Just... one... more... jab...

Itachi clears his throat, and slowly standing from the couch so he's ready for anything, he asks in a steady drawl, "Is "retard" short for "fire retardant"?"

Madara is on Itachi in an instant, and Pein can only sit back and stare in amazed shock as the two Uchihas fight it out on his office floor. "They really are related," he says musingly, leaning back against the wall and crossing his arms across his chest and his legs at the ankles, relaxing as he watches the brawl taking place. "That's gonna hurt later," he says to himself, wishing in the back of his mind that he had some popcorn.

Pein flinches, grimacing as Tobi flips onto Itachi's back and, taking a fistful of hair, begins bashing the young mans face into the wood floor, all the while screaming, "How's this for retarded?"

Just as Madara lifts Itachi's head up for another blow, Itachi throws his head back to hit Madara's chin with his skull, staggering the Uchiha off Itachi's back, letting him roll over and flip up onto his feet, and smooth as a dancer, Itachi kicks a leg out to knock Tobi's feet out from under him, but he doesn't quite fall, just loses his balance, so taking the advantage, Itachi throws himself at Madara, tackling him to the ground.

Outside the room, the sounds of the fight are heard throughout Akatsuki HQ. Members gather to listen, and bets are placed on who is going to walk out of that office alive, and who will be dead. Many bet on Itachi, but by the sounds of screams and growls, equal bets are placed on Tobi, and Konan places a bet on Pein intervening, which they all ignore since, although the Akatsuki leader doesn't promote violence inside HQ, he's not about to step in-between two skilled shinobi in the heat of a furious battle.

Just as they start to wonder how they could still be alive, the sounds stop, and everyone shares glances and whispers, all wondering who killed the other, whether Itachi finally offed the retarded Tobi, or if luck was on the "under-dogs" side, and Tobi had won. A few minutes later, the door opens, and there is a collective gasp from everyone as Itachi steps out, his face a mess of bruises and blood, his clothes torn and in shambles, his hair untied and messy.

Looking back into the room, Itachi wipes at his nose, giving a sniff before saying, "I'm heading back to my room. You might want to get someone in here to clean up the blood soon."

Konan gives a cry, and Itachi looks at her curiously, and she asks, aghast, "You- you killed him?"

"I wouldn't even kill a retard, un," Deidara mutters not-too-quietly, grimacing.

Itachi wipes at his bleeding nose again, a boyish grin forming on his split and equally bloody lips. "Nah. He's still very much alive, but is wallowing in a pool of his-"

"OUR!" Tobi shouts and Itachi grins more.

"-our blood," he corrects himself. "I'd leave him alone for now. He's not happy." He gives Pein a nod as the other man leaves his office, and without another word, Itachi limps away, one of his arms hanging uselessly at his side, his other hand holding the dislocated joint.

A minute after they hear Itachi's bedroom door close shut, they hear floorboards creek, and look to see Tobi standing in Pein's office doorway, his mask cracked and broken in places, revealing the most anyone has every seen of his face, being the right side of his forehead and right eye, and they can see blood pouring down his face from just inside his hairline. His clothes are as equally torn and in shambles as Itachi's are, one of his gloves is even missing, but his hair is... as messy as always.

Tobi puts a hand to his head, covering the uncovered part of his face, and swaying, places his other hand on the doorframe to balance himself. "Tobi doesn't feel so good," he says in his usual Tobi way, and everyone gives a huge sigh of relief to find that he's back to his old self again. "I'm getting a shower." They see him glance off down the hall, towards Itachi's room, and he says with an almost resigned sigh, "I guess I should apologize to Itachi... later."

"And I'll make sure he apologizes to you, too, Tobi." Pein says, nodding. "Go get washed up. If you need help with any wounds, Konan will treat you."

Konan gives him a glare for volunteering her, but doesn't say anything as Tobi shakes his head, already saying, "No, no, Tobi doesn't need help." He walks off towards the bathroom, closing the door behind him, and everyone hears a few minutes later the water start.

All eyes turn on Pein, and everyone is asking him questions, all amounting to the same thing. "What started this and why the hell did they fight over it?"

Pein shrugs, pretending to know but not say even though he hadn't quite caught the cause of the brawl, only that it had something to do with fire, but he doesn't tell them that, just says, "If I tell you Tobi might come out here and kick all of your asses for it, so I'm gonna stick to the side of safety, and keep it to myself."

They hear a door open, and looking down the far hall, see Itachi walking towards them, his face cleaned of all blood, his clothes changed into a simple T-shirt and cotton drawstring pants, his feet bare. "How is Tobi?" he asks, looking at Pein. There's a butterfly bandage on his cheek under his left eye, and another on his right brow, both holding two rather deep cuts closed, and he has a bandage patch on the right side of his jaw, and a small Band-Aid just above it. His neck is covered in a dark purple, hand-shaped bruise, and thin, finger-sized bruises, showing where Tobi tried to strangle him. He apparently reset his dislocated arm himself, because it's moving just fine now as he rubs his sore neck.

"He's in the shower," Kisame tells him, bringing Itachi's eyes to him. "He looked bad. What the hell happened between you and him?"

Itachi gives a little grin but doesn't answer, just says, "I need to apologize to him. It was my fault this all happened, anyway." He cuts his chuckle short, but can't stop the smirk that crosses his bruised and beaten features. "He's in this shower?"

Not understanding Itachi's amusement, Pein hesitates to tell the cunning Uchiha, but hearing the water, he knows he can't lie, so he nods. "Yeah, he's in this one. Itachi," he tries to warn him, "You shouldn't goad Tobi anymore. Neither you nor he are in any condition to have another throw down like you did in my office." Pein glances into his office, and with an open wince, closes the door to lean against it, keeping everyone else from seeing the blood covering his poor desk, floor, and walls. And a bit on the ceiling.

"Oh, I wont goad him into another scuffle." He says it too innocently. Pein instantly knows that that's just what Itachi's going to do, but the Akatsuki leader just watches as the Uchiha goes, not to the bathroom door, but back to his room, returning moments later holding his bed sheets. Everyone shares confused and curious glances as they watch Itachi twist the one end of the sheet into a knot which he ties around the bathroom door handle, then twists it tight as he trails it across the hall to the door there, which just so happens to be Hidan's current room (he sacrificed himself in his old room and ended up destroying the carpeting and linoleum).

"What are you...?" Pein starts to ask, but trails off when Itachi steps up to the door, his finger flicking the taut, twisted sheet before knocking.

"Tobi's in here," comes the reply from inside, and everyone moves closer to see what it is that Itachi has planned, since they can all see his sneaky smirk, and they're all curious about how the twisted bed sheets play into this.

"It's me, Tobi." Itachi calls, and everyone hears the silence on the other side of the door. "I just wanted to apologize..."

"I should apologize, too, Itachi." Tobi says back.

Itachi's smirk grows for just a second before he finishes his sentence with, "...for telling everyone about how you caught your hair on fire and that was why you had to cut it short."

There's a wild cry of outrage from inside the bathroom, and everyone leaps back as Tobi throws himself at the bathroom door, but the twisted bed sheet keeps it held shut, and thanks to a jutsu Sasori had used on the bathroom door, mainly to prevent someone from doing just this -smashing it-, the door does not budge, but shakes violently as Tobi jerks the doorknob, twisting it furiously, but realizing the door is somehow jammed, he starts throwing himself against it, growling and shouting in a most terrifying manner, making everyone swallow in fear of what might happen when he gets out.

Hidan, finally hearing something outside of his room, tries to leave, but finds the door tied shut, so he shouts, "What the hell? Why won't my fucking door open? Someone had better start fucking explaining themselves!"

Itachi steps back to lean against Hidan's door, saying in an even, and very pleased, voice, "Oh, I just secured a sheet to your door so I could keep Tobi locked in the bathroom."

"Why the fuck would you do that? Let the retard out already!"

"When I get out of here," Madara screams, giving the door a violent shake, "I am going to murder whoever is fucking responsible for locking me in here!"

"Hear that?" Itachi asks Hidan, who had fallen silent when Tobi had shouted. "That is the sound of a very disgruntled Tobi. He sounds deadly."

"Not to me," Hidan laughs from the other side of his door. "I'm immortal!"

"I'M GOING TO *censored* SOMEONE!"

There is a long silence before Hidan finally says, "Don't let him out!"


End file.
